She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
