morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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