Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
it's like heaven, but drunker
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
