Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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