he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
