im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
