mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
