You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
