i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
