she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
