I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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