Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
