she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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