There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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