i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
