I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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