so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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