I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
