My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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