I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
