The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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