I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
