even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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