oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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