why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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