Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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