hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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