wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
