I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
