Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
