i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
