why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i will never coherently bang her
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
