And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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