A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
