I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
