Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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