well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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