tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
