So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
