I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
