she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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