Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
