I think my fart just growled at me.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
