My underwear smells like fireworks.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
