Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
