In America we eat man semen.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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