Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
