Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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