hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize