just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
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