I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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